I used to assume that if I encouraged my children to always tell the truth and explained to them why it's so important to never lie, they would be completely honest with me. All the time. Oh boy, I crack myself up sometimes when I think of the naivete of early motherhood. Children not lying goes right along with the delusions of thinking my children would never bite and never set fire to anything. Both of which have happened. My kids were such horrible biters when they were little that my oldest got kicked out of daycare when she was just 13 months old for "incessant biting." Talk about feeling like a failure as a mother when picking up your child from daycare and finding out you weren't welcome back. Plus I was already pregnant with my second baby... because hey, there wasn't much time during the late 90's/early 2000's when I WASN'T knocked up.
About a year ago one of my children confessed to me that "just a small fire" was luckily put out when one of them decided to see what would happen when they slowly draped a paper towel over a lit candle. I looked at all four of them and demanded "At what point did any of you think this was a good idea?" No one would admit it was them, either. There was so much finger pointing going on it made me dizzy.
Last night I was driving my daughter Chloe to dance practice. She started rambling on in a typical third grade girl style. "...and so you know what Jenna said Mom? She said it's scientifically proven that dogs are NOT color blind. She said that scientists have proven it. In scientific studies. Do you think that's true?"
"I don't know, " I said. "I've never been a dog." (Insert comments about middle school acne, flat hair and braces here).
"Well," Chloe huffed. "I don't even know if I should believe her. She's Little Miss-Larry-Lies-A-Lot."
Ok... coming from the girl who denied just an hour earlier that she was throwing raw eggs at a tree in our yard. Complete with egg shells by her feet.
One time when my daughter Frankie was about six, I noticed that someone had written with a magic marker on the living room wall. Her two younger sisters were too small to reach that height, but I really wanted Frankie to admit she did it. Finally, after confronting her with the evidence, she told how it "possibly" could have happened.
"I think, Mom, what happened was this... I was just walking through the living room, holding the marker and minding my own business, when I started to trip. And as I was flying threw the air, I was trying very hard not to let that marker touch the wall, because I knew you wouldn't want that to happen..."
"Wait," I said, interrupting. "So you were kind of flying through the air, almost in slow motion?"
She nodded. "Kind of, yes."
I looked at her and asked, "Almost like in The Matrix?"
"What's that?"
"Never mind. Continue."
She finished her story explaining how she tried with all her might not to write on that wall, but somehow it accidentally happened. And it's an accident right? Can't really be blamed for that.
And it really doesn't matter what evidence the kids are presented with...they'll deny it to their last breath.
"Who drank all the Diet Coke?"
"Not me, Mom."
"Then why are there 3 empty cans in your closet?"
"Because my sister is FRAMING me. Gosh, you never believe me!"
And my favorite from last year:
"Who unwrapped all the tampons in the bathroom?"
All the girls pointed at their brother. "That was Wyatt."
He nodded sheepishly. "I thought they were like little parachutes."
Okay, fair enough. I can see that. At least SOMEONE told me the truth.
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