I Hope You Felt it Enough

They say a mother is hardest on her first born daughter.
Even more so than if a son had been born first. I have no idea why this is. I mean, I have an inkling. We see ourselves in our daughters, and all of our fears and insecurities and dreams and desires are thrust into this wide-eyed 7 pound newborn who enters our lives and turns our world upside down. We are anxious, awed, in love and amazed. We doubt everything we do and those daughters certainly get the brunt of it. By the time the second baby comes along, we are far more relaxed and not nearly as high strung. We suck carpet lint off a pacifier and plop it back into our baby's mouth, while using a fingernail to pick out a rogue booger out of their nose.
I've been planning on writing this blog for my first born daughter Frankie Christine, for close to a year now. She turns 18 in a few weeks and graduates shortly thereafter. This letter to her will be way better than anything I can scribble in a Hallmark card on graduation day, right? It will let her know all my feelings in a creative setting, and I figured this would be as easy as pie.
I was wrong.
Every time I think of this blog entry I tear up. My eyes are filled right now as I type this. And granted, I am a grade-A sap. In fact, my cousin Chanda and I took a quiz in Seventeen Magazine when we were young, titled: "How Emotional Are You?" We both got "Weeping Willows." So, it should be no shocker that I am overwhelmed by all sorts of feelings at this chapter in my daughter's life. But let me write this and finish it, before all my makeup runs off and I am left with a bare face.
And we all know how uncomfortable I am without full hair and makeup.
My sweet baby Frankie,
In a few short weeks you are going to be going through one of the most exhilarating and exciting times of your life. I cannot believe you will be graduating high school and getting ready for college. I don't want to waste one more minute of saying "I am really going to miss you" because it just makes me sad, and I don't want you to feel bad either. That is not my intention.
What is my number one concern is making sure you have felt the intense love and pride I have had for you since the day you were born.
You came into this world a little early and under some scary circumstances, but once you looked at me my heart melted. You were truly the most beautiful thing I had every seen. And once you started smiling, I couldn't help but smile back at you. It was contagious.
Then you grew up, and had to share my attention with two more sisters and a brother. I loved you just as fiercely as before, and I hoped you felt that. I know that you knew it, but I want to make sure you felt it as well.
You grew older and more independent, and your personality started taking on the cool and funny shape that I absolutely adore. I was so proud of the tasks that you tackled and how good you did in school. And that pride thing is continuous and evolving... I'm proud of so many things that you've done. Especially the tasks you tried and decided, "Nope, not for me." At least you tried.
I'm proud that you started being a nanny at 15 and started working at 16 to help pay for your own things. I'm proud that you filled out all of those college admission forms on your own and applied for dozens of scholarships without any prodding from me.
I hope you felt how proud of you I've been all these years.
And you put up with a mother who can be a little over the top, too. I get that. I'm a bit over-protective. While my instinct is to wring someone's neck, I am in awe of your ability to handle situations with far more grace than I. When your prom date last year ended up making out with another girl during the dance, I couldn't even breathe in a regular pattern. If I had known while watching you at the Grand March that a few hours later that kid was going to do that, I would have scrambled down those bleacher steps and punched him right in the wiener. Yeah, I'm referring to you T-Man.
I hope you felt how protective I've been, and how it's always come from a place of love.
When you notice things are needed in the house, and pick up dish soap or toilet paper or laundry detergent, don't think I don't notice. I know I say thank you, but I want you to know how much I appreciate you doing that. Not every teenager picks up on things like you do.
I'm sure you know how much I appreciate those things you do, but I hope you felt it.
Because see, there's a difference in knowing and feeling it. Words are just that - words. Anyone can say complimentary words or profess thanks, but my greatest hope is for you to feel it. Deeply.
The intense love, the fierce pride, the deepest appreciation
I hope you felt it enough. That is my wish for you.
You broke me in as a mother and I am deeply honored to have come this far with you on your life's journey.
I can't wait to see what the future holds in store for you.
Thank you for the joy you have given me.
Love,
Mom