Birds and the Bees

One of the things I always thought I'd do really well at was explain "the birds and the bees" to my kids. How hard could it be? Just be honest, straightforward and answer their questions. I figured anything I explained to my children had to be better than the way I heard about it from my mother when she was half-asleep.
I was 6 years old, and my mother was working second shift as a nurse. She crawled into bed with me when she got home one night, kissed me good night, and started to doze off immediately. Apparently I had a lot on my first-grade mind because I asked her, "Mom, where do babies come from?"
She mumbled something incoherently, so I asked her again.
She stirred and responded, "The man puts his penis inside the woman's vagina." She began to fall asleep again.
I, however, was very confused. The logistics didn't seem right.
"So the woman just LAYS there?" I asked.
"Mmmm hmmmm," Mom mumbled. "If she's really tired she does."
I laugh every time I think about her explanation now. Of COURSE that would be the response of a working mother of small children.
It wasn't too long that my children began to ask the ever-burning question of kids everywhere. And I've heard repeatedly, through books and talk shows, experts and authors, how important it is to have this conversation the right way. Parents are always warned that if they don't provide the correct information to their children, the kids will seek out answers elsewhere. Who needs that kind of pressure?
When my oldest daughter Frankie was in kindergarten, she asked me about it. I thought she was too young so I just turned up the volume on the TV. A couple years later she asked me again, so I went out and bought her the classic "Where Did I Come From?" book, complete with cartoon characters and descriptions of a "special tickle." I instructed her to read it in her room, and to then come out to the living room and we could discuss any questions.
She walked out about 15 minutes later, tossed the book on the couch, gave me a weird look and said, "No questions. Pretty sure I got it figured out."
Whew... that wasn't difficult at all.
A few years later my daughter Sophie asked me while I was driving with her on the way back from Red Wing. I gripped the steering wheel and blurted out everything in a matter of 30 seconds. I don't think I took a breath. I finished my speech with telling her, "And honey if you ever have any questions you can always ask me, and I promise you I'll always tell you the truth. And you know what? You can even ask your dad and he'll answer your questions truthfully, too." I mentally patted myself on the back for that little add-on. Way to promote co-parenting.
Sophie looked confused and asked, "But do you think he knows all the details, like what you just explained to me?" Poor dads... they never get any credit.
"Yes, honey," I told her. "Your dad knows all the details."
I wasn't sure he could draw a uterus-to-scale on a cocktail napkin like I did once for my kids, but he could probably pull something together.
Just last year when my daughter Chloe was 7, she informed me one night "I know what sex is. My sisters told me." I gave the stink eye to her older sisters, which they both claimed complete innocence. I sighed, sat down on the couch next to her, and proceeded to give her the talk. I didn't go into a ton of details, but I wanted to make sure she had her facts straight. When I was finished, I asked if she had any questions.
She wrinkled up her nose and said, "Ga-ross!  You mean you let Dad do that to you FOUR SEPARATE TIMES? Yuck."
I nodded sympathetically. "Yep, only four times."
Just recently my son Wyatt announced he knew what sex was. "What do you think it is?" I asked him carefully.
"You know," he said. "Where people get in bed with each other and hump on each others' legs. Like on Jersey Shore."
Great. Remind me to put a block on the MTV channel.
I rolled my eyes and told him he needed to talk to his father. After three daughters I was immensely relieved to share that duty with someone else.
So in hindsight, I may not have handled the "birds and the bees talk" as well as Dr Spock would have recommended, but I sure didn't leave any lingering questions about the logistics.