Misguided Vanity

Isn't Vanity one of the 7 Deadly Sins? And why is it such a bad thing? More and more I hear my friends make comments like, "Oh I can't help it... I'm so vain." Or "I shouldn't care how I look in that photo but I do..." We act like we're going straight to hell in a hand basket for checking to see if we have lipstick on our teeth before we get out of the car, or when we turn around in front of a mirror to check out how our butt looks in jeans.
There are probably even reasons from an evolution standpoint that people who were more vain lived longer. You know, some cave woman was admiring her dirty face, ratted hair and 4 teeth in the reflection of some watering hole, and WHOA - there's a woolly mammoth behind her. Better run! See, her vanity probably saved her.
I don't think my vanity has ever saved my life. Maybe indirectly it did. Reason #187 why I never tried meth was because hello ~ have you seen the skin of meth addicts? Yuck. I have a pretty addictive personality so it's a good thing I value my teeth and complexion.
I will, however, be the first to admit my vanity is pretty misguided. I have battled my weight since I've been in elementary school. I remember writing in my third grade journal that I was on a diet, and I proudly scribbled that all I had to eat that day was a slice of cheese and an apple. My teacher's comments? "Good job! Great willpower, Vanessa!"
I was 73 pounds.
And so the lifelong diet battle began...
And my weight, especially as an adult, has fluctuated like a see-saw. It can go up, up, up... and once in awhile dip down low(er) but never to a Kate Moss level. Seriously, did I EVER weigh 114 pounds? I suppose I did at some point. I must have slept through it.
Back to my misguided vanity.... I have ALWAYS thought I looked better than I actually did. I will credit my parents and friends for their encouragement and compliments. You know how anorexics will look in a mirror and see someone fat? Yeah, I was the complete opposite of that. During my heaviest phase, when I was WELL over 200 pounds, I could look in the mirror, give a little side turn, stick out a hip and think, "Damn girl... you're lookin' GOOD!"  Then I would see some horrific photos of me later the same day (why oh why did I ever think it was a good idea to wear ruffles) and I would resemble Oprah, circa 1994. Ugh, it was like a slap in the face. But now, thanks to digital photos, I simply delete the ones I don't like. I have been known to call up a girlfriend immediately after seeing some photos posted on Facebook and snarl, "Take that photo down IMMEDIATELY. I look FAT! Crop out my belly or something."
My weight problems as an adult were exasperated by 4 pregnancies in less than 7 years. I could never gain that cute little recommended 20-25 pounds. Oh no. Not me. I usually gained that by the end of the first trimester. By the time I was in my third trimester, I was all boobs and butt and hips and belly. I looked like an African fertility statue. We won't even discuss what happened to my nipples.
I also have decided I have inappropriate vanity. Last year one of my girlfriends, one of my most favorite people on this earth, was dating a man that we affectionately referred to as Douche Bag. He thought he was the second coming of Christ. Plus he was a control freak, a stalker, etc. My friend finally saw the light and dumped him. He, of course, wasn't about to go quietly. He sent a deluge of texts and phone calls. He left messages and showed up unannounced. It was getting to the scary point, so my friend was debating on whether to get the police involved. I was at her apartment one night last fall. We were sitting outside her patio, enjoying the weather. All of sudden, out of the shadows of the parking lot, strolled D-Bag. My friend and I stopped talking. I think I stopped breathing for a minute too. This guy had turned into a loose cannon and neither my friend nor I had any idea what he was going to do. He was angry and he was trying not to lose his cool. And then in a moment I will never forget, he reached into his pocket to pull something out. My friend and I both thought it was a gun.
I am proud to admit my first thought was: "Oh my god, what is this a-hole doing? I have 4 babies at home right now. He is going to make them motherless!!"
I am not so proud to admit that my next thought was: "Well, if he fires in my direction I am going to turn away slightly, so the bullet might just graze the top of my shoulder. That way I can still wear caplet sleeves in the summer and no one will see the scar."
It turned out it was a pack of cigarettes he pulled out of his pocket.
And as a final example of misguided vanity, I even rubbed Jergen's self tanning lotion on my legs the night before I did the Polar Plunge and jumped into a frozen lake this winter. Because hey... what if people were looking....
But you know what....life's too short not to care what how we look in Facebook photos... I say embrace your vanity!