Mom, just write a check...

"The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any." - Katharine Whitehorn

I like to compare back to school shopping to getting a pap smear.

It's once a year.

You tend to get all worked up and begin to dread it.

Once it's done, you want to breathe a sigh of relief and high five someone.

And it's not like either back to school shopping or getting the speculum special is unbearable. It's just that there are so many other things you'd prefer to spend your time and money on.

The thing is, I remember how exciting it was to go back to school shopping. It was the highlight of every August. I don't remember my mom ever making me feel guilty for getting clothes for the new school year. Although in retrospect, we bought our jeans at Fleet Farm and the majority of our shirts at Target. I can remember a few things I wanted as I got older that I absolutely had to get:

Lee pinstripe baggies...

Shirts with the collars that stood up...

Kangaroo shoes with the pouch on the side...

Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers to put in my back jean pocket. But of course I had to leave room for the pick in my back pocket so I could faithfully comb out my perm between classes.

Now my kids would light their hair on fire in protest if I told them we were going to Fleet Farm to get jeans. They would shove pencils in their eyeballs if they had to pick out their shoes next to the saddle soap.
Actually, my 8 year old son probably wouldn't mind. If he could find an Angry Birds t-shirt he'd be fine.
This year, I think we all did a pretty good job of combining teen fashion with economic sense. All I have to say is thank god for Gordman's and Plato's Closet. We did head to the mall for a couple things, and I started to get sweaty and anxious in the store Hot Topic. Not because of the blaring music and heavily pierced, tattooed and punk looking sales people, but because the t-shirt my 13 year old wanted was $20.
"Seriously?" I asked her. "It's a t-shirt. And they want $20?"
"Mom," she pleaded. "It's for Pierce the Veil...my favorite band." 
I racked my brain, trying to remember if I could find a reference for the name of that band. I had a feeling it had to refer to piercing certain female body parts, but I wasn't sure.
After that we strolled into Spencer's. Within a few minutes I wanted to leave. Nothing like standing next to your two teen daughters in front of a poster advocating legalized drug use, next to an inflatable penis for bachlelorette parties. Before we left, my 13 year old asked for a multi colored rubber bracelet.
"Look Mom, it's not even $5."
"Yeah," I told her. "But why is it all rainbow striped? I think that has something to do with blow jobs."
My daughter rolled her eyes and the 20 something sales clerk behind the counter laughed.
"Like maybe 10 years ago," he said. "But not in any recent times."
I narrowed my eyes at him and whispered angrily in my thoughts, Shut it.
We got home and I began to write out what I'd spent over the last few days and what was coming up:
Martial arts tuition
Dance class tuition
School pictures
Ick. It made me sweaty just thinking about it.
A few days ago my 10 year old daughter called me during the day. She was so excited she could barely talk. "Mom, I just got a letter from some organization inviting me to come study in France next summer!"
I didn't want to burst her exuberant bubble, but I wanted her to realize it wasn't going to happen.
"Honey, they send those letters out to a lot of students and those trips cost a lot of money."
"Well, they must want ME because they sent a letter right to the house!"
I sighed. "If I'm not mistaken, they also sent a letter to your grandpa and asked him to come study in Japan, so I'm pretty sure their database isn't exact. And like I said, it costs a lot of money."
Chloe pressed on. "Grandma said it's only a few thousand and I read all the student reviews and everyone said it's worth the costs."
Of course they did.
I tried telling Chloe that this was going to be an expensive year for the family:
8th grade trip to DC
Confirmation trip to Boston
Class ring
Drivers Ed
The list goes on and on.
And whenever I try to explain to the kids just how spendy everything is and how much it adds up, it never fails - I always hear "Well, can't you just write a check? Let's go to the bank and get more money!"
Ahhh...if only it were that simple. That's about as likely as me going an entire day without an eye roll from one of my kids.
Please...ain't gonna happen.