I hate you!

"If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent." ~ Bette Davis

I suppose I should take some comfort in that quote, right?
I suppose I should remember that most kids hate their parents at some point or another, right?
Yeah, I guess.
Still doesn't make it sting any less.
When the kids were toddlers, the discipline options seemed more limited. Time outs and verbal reprimands were a constant in our house. I'd like to say I've never spanked my kids, but that isn't true. I have. And I don't judge parents who DO spank. Personally I never like to judge other parents or other marriages. We have no idea what happens in peoples' homes and we have no idea what makes other parents lose their minds over Pop Tarts in the VCR.
I think we all have those moments, when we have a vein sticking out of our neck while screaming at the kids, that we actually mentally step back and say, "Whoa, Crazy Pants. Why don't you calm down a bit before you end up on the Dr Phil show?"
I wish I can say I've thought with deliberate care and carefully chose the words I've used with my kids when disciplining them, each and every time. But that would be as realistic as Mitt Romney exhibiting empathy to the middle class.
I've screamed, I've yelled, I've swore, I've made them cry. I've said things that I'm convinced they'll be repeating twenty years from now, on some therapist's couch.
And as they get older, and start navigating the tricky years between middle school and high school, I feel like my words need to make an impact. I can't really put them in a corner or make them stand on their "naughty rug." My words need to show that I love them and am concerned, but I'm their mama and I'm not standing for any of their stupid shit.
I mean seriously, their butt cheeks are not allowed to be hanging out of the back of their shorts.
And as gansta as they may try to be on Facebook sometimes, I'm going to have to insist they delete some of their posts. Besides, as soon as they put something questionable as their status, half my friends text me immediately with: "Did u see your daughter's latest FB post?"
Oh great. Can't freakin' wait to log on to see what it is.
Growing up in the 70s in Wisconsin, our method of punishment was universal:
The Wooden Spoon
Our mothers, and sometimes grandmothers, were able to use a wooden spoon with the skill and efficiency that a ninja uses nunchuks. Very rarely did our moms even need to take their eyes off the "Guiding Light" while issuing a swift WHACK on our butts for being sassy. In fact, that's probably how we all trained for Track and Field Day at school; while trying to outrun our moms while being chased with The Spoon.
As much as it seemed to keep us in line, I feel like it's a little antiquated to use on our kids. I feel like I bring a much more severe punishment by just uttering four dreaded words to them:
"Give me your phone."
With the wailing and pleading and begging that goes on afterward, you'd think I had just threatened my daughters with female circumcision. But to them, relinquishing their cell phones is much, much worse. A clitoris or unlimited texting? Hmmmm.....
A couple weeks ago I had a huge blow out with one of my daughters, and I said a few things that I regretted. I was feeling awful about it and was talking about it with some friends at work.
One of them shook her head sympathetically and said, "Vanessa...teen daughters are the worst. Remember how awful we were to our mothers? One time when I was 13 I got into a fight with my mom and she was so mad SHE BROKE A WOODEN SPOON OVER MY HEAD."
I looked at my friend silently for a minute and then burst out laughing.
We all just need to remember to not be so hard on ourselves when it comes to this parenting gig. To paraphrase a quote I saw online, no one looks at their newborn baby and thinks to themself "Boy, how can we screw this kid up?"
Years ago one of my friends, whose boys are grown, gave me some great advice. She had mentioned that she was always a little afraid her boys would remember the times she thought she punished them too severely, yelled too much or spanked too hard. She said they assured her they didn't remember nearly as much as she had dreaded.
"But I will tell you this," my friend told me. "They don't remember the yelling as nearly as much as they remember when you do or don't show up for school events."
Very wise and interesting words indeed.
So in the meantime, I'll keep threatening with the removal of electronics and phones, and keep showing up at their school events. I might even keep a wooden spoon in the kitchen for when things get really out of control.
Because when it's time for punishment and our kids say they hate us, I guess it means we're doing our job.