Too bad girls in 5th grade aren't just handed a gift box that includes a dozen sticks of deodorant, a case of Proactiv and an extra large bottle of Agree Shampoo. Remember that shampoo from the late 70s, early 80s? I don't think I could have survived puberty without it. "Help Stop the Greasies Between Shampoos" was a mantra I held dear to my heart. It was my favorite shampoo, second only to "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific". Which, unfortunately, always reminds me of one of the first dirty jokes I was ever told: "What did the midget say to the woman at the bus stop? Gee, your hair smells terrific."
Hey, I never said it was funny.
With three of my four children being girls, escaping puberty unscathed in our house would be akin to seeing the Dalai Lama in a porno.
Not. Gonna. Happen.
It all started with shower time. I used to waltz into the bathroom when my daughters were in the shower, putting away towels, grabbing a hair brush, whatever. If I happened to catch them climbing in or out of the shower, it was no big deal.
Then one day everything would change. It's how I know when they started puberty.
God forbid I would catch them naked, either in their room or in the bathroom. I would hear a shriek, a door slam, and an unmistakable growl: "MOTHER! I am CHANGING! Can't anyone KNOCK?"
I don't know... can't anyone lock a door anymore?
One time I walked into Chloe's bedroom when she was about 6. She must have inherited her modesty earlier than her sisters, just by observing them. I walked in, carrying an armload of freshly laundered clothes. She was topless, just in her jeans, staring at her closet and trying to decide what to wear.
Before I could even say anything, she folder her arms across her (non-existent) chest, looked over her shoulder at me and snipped "It's a new thing. It's called knocking. Maybe you've heard of it?"
My 7 year old son is a different story. He doesn't care who sees him naked. I think it's because we first taught him to pee outdoors, standing up. Since then, pants (and underwear) can be a complete nuisance to him.
This weekend we were all at my parents' retirement party. My son was playing with another boy, who was a couple years older than him. They were sitting at a table, guzzling their root beer floats, when Wyatt announced to me: "Hey Mom. I know what puberty is. He told me."
I raised my eyebrows. "Oh really? And what do you think that is?"
"It's when I'll get my period, grow taller and my balls will drop."
I didn't really know what to say. The majority of what I know about boys going through puberty comes from what I've learned from Judy Blume books. I didn't know for sure about the balls dropping part, but I was absolutely sure he wasn't going to get his period.
I leaned forward and told him, "Ummm, maybe you can talk to your dad and clear up any misunderstanding."
At least for now, I can focus on what I know best - girls puberty.
This morning I stopped at the store and bought 4 sticks of Secret deodorant.
In another week or two, I'll be standing in front of the "feminine products" aisle at Walgreen's. Where, once again, I get confused and forget what I bought the previous time.
Am I supposed to get them something with wings?
Scented? Unscented?
Do I need to buy Always, or is the generic version good enough?
It makes my head hurt.
As for now, I have several years ahead of me filled with exasperated sighs, pimpled foreheads and a new found love of Justin Bieber perfume. Oh, and plenty of "winged" products on stock.
Goody.
I can't wait.
Thanks for the smile!
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