Not too long ago, a friend of mine mentioned she knew someone I had met a couple years ago. After they got together, my friend came back and told me, "Yes, she definitely remembers you. She said you were really nice."
Of course I smiled when I heard that, because what person doesn't like to be told they're nice? It means that all of those years when our parents told us to show some manners - be respectful to people - be NICE to others - was finally paying off.
But what if our desire to make our children nice individuals does them more harm than good? What if it allows others to walk all over them? There has to be a balance between raising polite children and doormats.
Not too long ago, one of my daughters was shopping for supplements. She was standing in the aisle and checking some products out, alongside a man who was around 48. At least according to her estimate (for all we know he could have been 25 or 62; teenagers really have no clue about ages.) He picked up a bottle of diet pills, then tossed them to my daughter and said, "Here. You need these more than I do."
When my daughter recalled this exchange, I felt like time stood still. Because most adults who have been shamed about their weight at some point in their life have a fairly universal reaction, so I had a pretty good idea of how she felt when that happened.
I bet her cheeks flushed with heat and embarrassment.
I'm sure she could hear her heart beat in her ears.
I wouldn't be surprised if she briefly stopped breathing in that moment.
She most likely stood there, unable to reply, because all her life she's been coached and encouraged to BE NICE.
It's not until we get older that we build up a witty repertoire of comebacks and sarcastic retorts. It's not until we have some experiences that we can whip out a snarky reply to make the other person pause. But to be honest, in moments like that, I can't even be sure that I would have had recovered enough to reply like the situation demanded. And that would have been to tilt my head slightly to the side, give a small smile and say, "Thanks. And just so you know, the penile extenders and erectile dysfunction medicine is in aisle 3. You DEFINITELY need that more than me."
Because seriously, what good did that man possibly think he was doing by saying that to my beautiful daughter? Did he think she's never worried about her weight? Did he think that some metaphorical light bulb was going to go off in her head, and she would drop to the floor in gratitude and weep, "THANK YOU so much for making me aware! I honestly had no idea!"?? Did he not realize that practically every girl on this planet has agonized about her weight at some point? I can remember the doctor in my kindergarten physical patting my five-year old belly and telling me to be careful about the ice-cream.
I was 54 pounds. (Thanks Doc, for starting me on that super fun journey.)
But I digress...
So Mr Clueless with the Diet Pills, I am not sure what you hoped to gain by your comment. The liberal in me believes you said it because you are a broken man. That because of how you were damaged in your childhood, you are now damaged as an adult, and unable to show compassion to others. That's the liberal in me.
The mother in me (or mama bear as my kids prefer to describe me) has another visceral thought. You are a freakin' DICKHEAD. Quit being so god-damn MEAN. You solved NOTHING with your careless remark.
So maybe as parents we should re-think the traits we want our children to exhibit. There is nothing wrong with being nice. I will always encourage my children to be nice... when the situation merits it. Now, however, I will make sure they know they are encouraged to stand up for themselves in the right scenario.
A friend of mine has hired that same daughter to babysit on numerous occasions. One time he was recalling a text message exchange he was having with her, where they were both (kiddingly) giving each other grief back and forth.
"Jesus," he told me. "I told her she was definitely her mother's daughter. She's a smart ass just like you."
I couldn't help but beam. Because THAT type of behavior makes me proud. Don't get me wrong - I'll always be proud of the regular things like good grades, hard work, and yes... even being nice.
But a witty, verbal zinger makes this mama bear sigh with gratitude.
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