Walking into my kids' school conferences for me is like walking into a dentist appointment. I truly hope for the best, but mentally brace myself for the worst. It's always a crap shoot; I can never get too cocky. Sometimes I think that one of my kids is doing extremely well and I get blindsided with news.
"Yes, um, your daughter threw corn at the lunch lady."
Really? Fantastic. How do you convey to the teacher that you don't condone vegetable tossing in your own home in just a 20 minute meeting with the teacher? Sometimes I feel like a public defender when I hear news like that.
I sigh deeply, lean forward and look the teacher in the eye. "Your Honor, I would like to go on record and state that while my client fully acknowledges inappropriate behavior in the past, she categorically denies assaulting anyone with canned corn."
Last night I went to conferences for both my 9 year old daughter and my 7 year old son. I put a smile on my face and walked into the classroom and took a seat in one of those tiny, little chairs that are unbelievably uncomfortable. Who likes to sit there for 20 minutes with your butt cheeks hanging over each side of the chair? Only an Olsen twin could comfortably sit on one of those.
And over the years I've gotten very good at deciphering "teacher code" and what they're actually trying to tell me without using certain words.
For instance, last night I was told: "Chloe is very social and precocious."
(i.e., she talks non-stop and sometimes exhibits inappropriate, grown up behavior)
I also heard, "Boy, your son is full of energy. I wish I could bottle it up for myself sometimes (nervous laugh)."
(i.e., he often runs around like a fool with his head cut off and the teacher has a hard time preventing him from colliding into a drinking fountain when he runs down the hall)
When I hear news like this, I realize my kids can be a handful. My mom will remind me of what it was like when my brother was in school.
"I was at the high school so much meeting with the principal that one time the school secretary asked if I was the new substitute teacher. And one time he was serving detention in high school and I got a note from the teacher saying that your brother was corking off and passed gas three times in there, making everyone else laugh."
See, the genetic trait of misbehaving to get a laugh must be in our family's DNA. I wasn't the best behaved child either. I was always a little impatient. One time in 5th grade I called my teacher at home and asked, "Mrs Wolf, can we rearrange our desks tomorrow? I'm sick of sitting where I do."
And for the record, last night's conferences weren't all bad news. Thankfully neither teacher informed me that my child liked to fart, do the fist pump and high-five their classmates. My kids have definitely had their challenges in the behavior department, but luckily no guidance counselor had to sit in on the meeting (which has happened before).
So for now, I will do a silent prayer of gratitude that my children don't need to come up with an Action Plan. I will be thankful that no one has found it acceptable to throw food at the lunch lady.
I will be happy that no one got into a physical hitting/kicking/slapping match with another child at recess.
I will be grateful that no one pulled their pants down in line at lunch, pointed to their butt and yelled to the other students in the cafeteria "Hey everyone, check it out!"
And yes, all of these things have happened before.
I am grateful that for now, nothing has been happening.
Because as parents we all know that can change in the blink of an eye.
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